Saturday, 21 December 2013

Sweet home Alabournemouth.....

Oh look who it is.  Where the hell have you been?  I have been worried sick, I was just about to call the police but you are.  Did you remember to pick up milk like mother asked?  Thought not.  You disgrace me.

Moving on.  I wanted to tell you all a secret... but put that knife down, do go spreading it around.  Ok, this is really hard for me to say but here goes....antidisestablismentarianism.  Phew.  Now thats done we can get on to more pressing issues...

 On one of my trips through town to stare at the local lamp posts, I was approached (again) by a Scientologist trying to sell me their schpiel about life.  "How relaxed are you in life?" She asked.  The more and more she spoke, the more I detested her.  Now, she didn't know this but she'd spoken to me around this time last year and I went along to her little room above a milkshake shop to let her connect me to one of their machines to detect my stress levels.  The idea being that as I spoke to her, the machine would detect my stress.  It didn't.  She kept fiddling with the machine trying to make it do SOMETHING.  But alas, it was a bunch of grapes...all nice to look at, but deep down their just the byproduct of something old and boring. So this time I thought I'd wind her up.  Here is the dialogue as it happened  (honestly)

Her - "Do you have a moment to talk about your life goals?"

Me - "I do but I'm on my way to a cake shop to buy my Aunty Sheila her Christmas present.  They have some terrific hats there"

Her - "Oh isn't that nice of you, you seem pretty relaxed.  Are you usually this relaxed?"

Me - "When I'm not seething about how my sea monkeys just wont grow, yes I'm quite relaxed.  You don't know how to make them grow do you?"

Her - "Errm, no I don't.  What are they?"

Me "Oh they're great, supposedly.  You just add water to their eggs and they dance around their tank for years apparently.  They grow to like 5 foot.  I bought mine from Tie Rack"

Her - "Well I'll have to look into them, they sound fascinating.  Anyway, do you have a moment to answer a quick questionnaire and see if you're eligible for a free stress test?"  (The same bogus stress test I did before)

Me - "I would but I must dash to pick up this present.  Ha!  What unfortunate luck eh?"

I thought it was funny, she just looked puzzled.  But if you're going to try and sell me your tripe, I'll offer you mine for free.  

For those of you worried about Maggie the cat.  Don't worry, she will defiantely be dead by Xmas day.  Had the RSPCA on the phone the other day, but I just told them I was dead myself so they hung up.  Rude really considering that this is the season of resurrection, and they didn't even offer to help.  Ironic as I was in the living room at the time.  

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today who said he would potentially want to write a sitcom with me.  I was absolutely befuddled by this but alas I said I was intrigued.  Many adjectives later I started to think about potential settings for such a sitcom.  Here's my top 3 ideas so far, please let me know if there are any of yours I can steal for no benefit to yourself...

1.  A HILARIOUS comedy about three piano-tuners who somehow get lost whenever they try to wash their faces.  Every week somebody will shout the catchphrase "NO!  Don't use the sink!  We're piano-tuners!"

2.  A HILARIOUS comedy about people that Jesus didnt help when he was around.  Just imagine them all, just sat around with pox-ridden skin.  Each week somebody will shout the catchphrase "Cor...this is a bit naff isn't it?"

3.  A spin off of a comedy starring David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst, but without them in it called "Only Horses".  Where we explore the grazing of equine in the Lincolnshire region.  It will be HILARIOUS!

Well I don't know about you, but all this talk about sitcoms makes me think we are due for another video:

Enjoy x

This blog was written under the following conditions:
Last song heard:  EMF - Unbelievable
Last meal eaten:  Apple Turnover
Thinking:  Why can't hopscotch be an Olympic event?

Friday, 6 December 2013

Yule Blog!

Sorry for the delay in this post, but the Royal Mail are rubbish round this time of year.  Fantastic response for the first one so thankyou to everyone for your readership and support.  I shall reward thee with your own Christmas gift of another video at the end of this post.  

Went and did all my Christmas shopping over the last 2 days.  Had to do some hardcore thinking about presents this year - I miss Tie Rack.  I hope nobody from my family read this because I want to know what you guys think of what I bought them....

For Mum - An orphaned tulip - Her very own self raising flower.
For Dad - A door lock designed for kitchen utensils - He loves a good Whisk Key
For my sisters - Some nails and some varnish
For my Nan - I've bought her an away day ticket for a trip down Memory Lane - Somewhere in Kent I think
For my Girlfriend -  Bag of gravel

I think they're all rather lucky this year, considering usually I pretend I've got polio as an excuse to not buy any presents, however they've become rather suspicious this time, so like a penny in a bowl of Cillit Bang I've had to come clean.

Anyone ever stood and though what a ridiculous sentence "Ding Dong Merrily on High" is?  - Just a thought.

Maggie the cat has appreciated all the heightened attention she has received since the last post.  I however I DO NOT appreciate this.  Fed up of the bloody rat faced bugger.  All she does is hack away at my toes during the night, whine when she wants to go out, and cough up blood.  Pathetic animal.  Regardless she does have another cameo in my video below.  I trust you will enjoy it too ...

This blog was written under the following conditions:
Last song heard:  The Raconteurs - 'Steady As She Goes'
Last meal eaten:  Marmite on toast
Thinking:  If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, what stupid philisophical question can we come up with?

Friday, 22 November 2013

BLOG 2.0!

Shmungo to you!  

My last blog did great and thank you to all those who regularly read it.  Unfortunately I became too busy/lazy to continue it.  So here is a re-brand and refresh of my time in the blogosphere.  You can be assured that the same worthless bargain bin of drivvel will be included.  I cant say how often these posts will appear, but the more you read, the more I want to write.

So lets have a catch-up.  How's things?  Yes that rash has gone thank you.  Well lets cut to the chase and go through some of the things that have happened to me since I last blogged...

  • I left London and came back to Bournemouth to finish my degree
  • Said degree was finished, I now have a BA in Marketing
  • I now work in the Insurance industry
  • I got put in a trance by Derren Brown
  • I'm still living with my girlfriend and a new cat.
  • I got the oven fixed last week.
What else do you need to know?  Pretty pleased I have a degree now.  One is enough for me I think, not like those circles, they have far too many.  Now if you've ever injected vinegar into your veins then you'll understand why I've called this blog Shmungo.  If you've never done that then I suggest that you do because I'm not going to explain it you.  I call it the 'Sarsons Stab'.

I will look to continue posting my blog videos occasionally as I did before.  I'll pick up some silk and cotton later so I have some new material to work from.  

My girlfriend and I also have a new plant, we named it Debbie, though I'm sure it is definately male.  I'm thinking of killing Debbie one day, just to see if plants have emotions, i.e pain, anxiety etc.  I caught Debbie singing the Peruvian national anthem the other night, could she/he be a spy for them?  The only way to find out would be to interrogate her/him, but somehow I don't think waterboarding works on plants.  Perhaps i'll slip some vodka into the plant food to see if that loosens her leaves.  I'll keep you posted.

My sister has announced she has a baby cooking away inside her.  I hope it's a baby at least, if she gives birth to a skiing catalogue then I will be very dissapointed, I can't ski.  People sometimes ask if I will have kids and get married to my girlfriend anytime soon.  Honest answer?  Not again.  I still have my last wife and 5  kids running my butterfly sanctuary in Cornwall.  I met my last wife whilst on an archeological dig for toothpicks in the former Yugoslavia (back when that was a cool country to know about in a pub quiz).  Her name was Lola, she was an entertainer or something like that.  Like a fly on the end of your nose, we hit it off and she came back to the UK with me.  Decades on and we now have 5 kids.  But I got bored of their faces so sent them away.  What more can I possibly tell you?

Anyways I need to wrap this up or I'll have nothing left for next time.  ;)

This blog was written under the following conditions:

Last song heard:  Ellie Goulding - 'Burn'
Last meal eaten:  Sweet Chilli Noodles
Thinking:  Anybody want to work for me this weekend?