Saturday, 21 December 2013

Sweet home Alabournemouth.....

Oh look who it is.  Where the hell have you been?  I have been worried sick, I was just about to call the police but you are.  Did you remember to pick up milk like mother asked?  Thought not.  You disgrace me.

Moving on.  I wanted to tell you all a secret... but put that knife down, do go spreading it around.  Ok, this is really hard for me to say but here goes....antidisestablismentarianism.  Phew.  Now thats done we can get on to more pressing issues...

 On one of my trips through town to stare at the local lamp posts, I was approached (again) by a Scientologist trying to sell me their schpiel about life.  "How relaxed are you in life?" She asked.  The more and more she spoke, the more I detested her.  Now, she didn't know this but she'd spoken to me around this time last year and I went along to her little room above a milkshake shop to let her connect me to one of their machines to detect my stress levels.  The idea being that as I spoke to her, the machine would detect my stress.  It didn't.  She kept fiddling with the machine trying to make it do SOMETHING.  But alas, it was a bunch of grapes...all nice to look at, but deep down their just the byproduct of something old and boring. So this time I thought I'd wind her up.  Here is the dialogue as it happened  (honestly)

Her - "Do you have a moment to talk about your life goals?"

Me - "I do but I'm on my way to a cake shop to buy my Aunty Sheila her Christmas present.  They have some terrific hats there"

Her - "Oh isn't that nice of you, you seem pretty relaxed.  Are you usually this relaxed?"

Me - "When I'm not seething about how my sea monkeys just wont grow, yes I'm quite relaxed.  You don't know how to make them grow do you?"

Her - "Errm, no I don't.  What are they?"

Me "Oh they're great, supposedly.  You just add water to their eggs and they dance around their tank for years apparently.  They grow to like 5 foot.  I bought mine from Tie Rack"

Her - "Well I'll have to look into them, they sound fascinating.  Anyway, do you have a moment to answer a quick questionnaire and see if you're eligible for a free stress test?"  (The same bogus stress test I did before)

Me - "I would but I must dash to pick up this present.  Ha!  What unfortunate luck eh?"

I thought it was funny, she just looked puzzled.  But if you're going to try and sell me your tripe, I'll offer you mine for free.  

For those of you worried about Maggie the cat.  Don't worry, she will defiantely be dead by Xmas day.  Had the RSPCA on the phone the other day, but I just told them I was dead myself so they hung up.  Rude really considering that this is the season of resurrection, and they didn't even offer to help.  Ironic as I was in the living room at the time.  

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today who said he would potentially want to write a sitcom with me.  I was absolutely befuddled by this but alas I said I was intrigued.  Many adjectives later I started to think about potential settings for such a sitcom.  Here's my top 3 ideas so far, please let me know if there are any of yours I can steal for no benefit to yourself...

1.  A HILARIOUS comedy about three piano-tuners who somehow get lost whenever they try to wash their faces.  Every week somebody will shout the catchphrase "NO!  Don't use the sink!  We're piano-tuners!"

2.  A HILARIOUS comedy about people that Jesus didnt help when he was around.  Just imagine them all, just sat around with pox-ridden skin.  Each week somebody will shout the catchphrase "Cor...this is a bit naff isn't it?"

3.  A spin off of a comedy starring David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst, but without them in it called "Only Horses".  Where we explore the grazing of equine in the Lincolnshire region.  It will be HILARIOUS!

Well I don't know about you, but all this talk about sitcoms makes me think we are due for another video:

Enjoy x

This blog was written under the following conditions:
Last song heard:  EMF - Unbelievable
Last meal eaten:  Apple Turnover
Thinking:  Why can't hopscotch be an Olympic event?

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